I Beg Your Garden?!

Who says a front yard can’t be a LOUNGE?

My Friends from left to right: Ray (dad), Jack (son), Johanna “Jo” (mom), Charlie-Rae (daughter-on-a-quest).

My neighbor, Bob, put a pair of faded Adirondack chairs on his curb for somebody- ANYBODY to take. Usually when he puts stuff on the curb I’m in my head like, “I beg your garden? ---how dare he put stuff on the street!” But sometimes I take the stuff. I have a handful of friends with yards that have been blessed with my findings and fix-it-uppings. In case you have a pair of chairs like this you’re thinking about chucking- let me just say, “I Beg Your Garden?!?” You can totally spiff them up with a coat of ENAMEL paint. I had a quart of red enamel left over from the day my door turned red. (Yes I’m livin’ that red door life) -That was about a year ago as you can see by the hair on my head and…and chest. DIY lingo: working shirtless is called “hasselhoffing.” You’re welcome.

Do-It-Yourself projects take courage, so it helps when I think I have nothing to lose. Cast-off chairs + Cast-off paint = DIY HAY-DAY! And I love taking on projects purely for the purpose of repurposing.

New to enamel? I get it- it’s weird. The oil-based world was strange to me at first too. I’m so used to the easy peasy lemon squeezy world of water soluble acrylic & latex. But Latex won’t take to this plastic -(not for the long haul)- so I highly recommend you embrace the adventure, like I did, and get your enamel on!

And while you’re thinking, “Ok, this is a new adventure- I’ll use a cheap paint brush I don’t mind ruining…” I say, “I BEG YOUR GARDEN?!” Cheap brushes don’t work in my world. Bristles come out in the paint and either I don’t notice until it’s too late and they’re frozen in the paint job like Han Solo in carbonite. Or, you notice quickly and then smudge your strokes digging them out. No bueno. SO, get yourself a good sturdy Purdy or any GOOD brush. Don’t worry- that paint thinner will clean the paint right off- make sure you use nitrile gloves with the thinner though, ‘cuz it will melt those yellow kitchen gloves you grabbed when you started painting, henny.

As the paint was drying I took Miss Hibiscus for a walk and my neighbors on the other side had set out some toys their kids out-grew. SNATCH! A mini pink vanity got a make-over. I scrubbed it out and added some mylar I had in my craft kit to replace the broken mirror. As my car-lection of things grew, I thought - anything ELSE? Then I remembered the TURQUOISE chairs another neighbor asked if I wanted. I cleaned them too and tied them to the roof of my car, now a fountain of future front yard faves. 

I brought the loot to Jo and Ray’s front yard and set them out before I knocked on the door. Never pass up the chance for a pleasant surprise. I’m all about making outdoor “moments” and a chair pair will get you there. I knocked on the door- and the rest is history. The front yard set up expanded the places on their property they can hang with their kids- or duck out for a bit of solo time. (Helpful during the pandemic? YES.) 

Jack, Charlie, Ruby and me.

Here’s a pic of me and the kids in the red chairs over a year later.  Jo came through with the bold red pillows, didn’t she?! She’s really one of my style besties. Adirondacks are cool cuz they have a set back slant that serve style with laid back grace. Also, I had no idea how to spell Adirondack until writing this and I think we should all acknowledge this word has a surprising spelling- just like how surprising a little DIY and TLC can go in a garden. 

Ugly Adirondak chairs? I BEG YOUR GARDEN!?!

Here’s what you need to spruce them up- 

Paint thinner for your brush

Metal Bucket for brush-cleaning

A drop cloth and your bag o’ rags

Pants you don’t mind paint-i-fying 

Sunscreen if you’re like me and refuse to wear shirts

If using red, wear a white t-shirt so you also get a Halloween costume out of this.

Something to pull your hair back

A good playlist (I recommend “Party Starters Radio by Rebecca Judd” on Apple Music).

Step 1: Judge your neighbor (How DARE you toss those chairs onto the street!) 

Step 2: Take them.

Step 3: Clean them in the driveway with dish soap, an old sponge, and a kinky hose.

Step 4: Put down a drop cloth type thing to protect whatever you shouldn’t be painting on.

Step 5: Let those babies dry. 

Step 6: Inspect the back and decide not to paint it that sides’ fine. If you DO want to paint it,           

rough that smooth surface with sandpaper.

Step 6: Crack open your ENAMEL (a quart will do)

Step 7: Paint the first coat

Step 8: Let that dry (a hot sunny day is best- takes longer than latex but not that long)

Step 9: Paint the second coat 

Step 10: Let them dry

Step 11: Text your friends and tell them you’re bringing them chairs.

Step 12: Sit in them with lemonades.

Shame & Fitness

Do compliments embarrass you?

The Fab-U-Gays work out at the Fab-U-Gym. A Fab-U-Gay is a gay person who is fit and intelligent and funny and has good credit. I desperately want to be a fabulous gay. My credit is improving, so that’s good. Intelligence? Check - I got big words. Funny? Well, I am a Kidder after all. How about fit? According to my doctor, not so much. She told me I need to get more exercise because my A1c (I’m Type 1 Diabetic) was going way up… using my rapier Kidder wit, I joked that my “quarantine cuisine hadn’t been all that... lean.” She didn’t laugh.

I got a membership at an outdoor gym in my neighborhood CRAWLING with Fab-U-Gays. My membership included sessions with an elite trainer. During our first session, I told him one of my obstacles to working out was my sense of shame. A term that explains it best for me comes from the author of The Shame that Binds You, by therapist John Bradshaw.  I told the trainer that I keep coming up against a “shame bind,” as Bradshaw calls it. 

He raised his eyebrows. “What’s that exactly?”

“I’m just learning about this stuff, but apparently even highly accomplished people can be operating from what is called a shame-core. We’re validation addicts, trying to prove that we’re good enough. But when people compliment us, we just can’t take it. It shuts us down. So I’m struggling to stay on track with goals - compliments shut me down.”

“Oh wow. I can’t believe we’re talking about this. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.” My eyebrows raised. He went on. “It actually explains this thing that happened a while back. I was at the market and this guy walked up to me and said, “Wow. You’re so beautiful- such beauty in a man! My my, what beauty you have!” He blushed. I agreed. He continued. “I wanted to respond somehow- to say something- but I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak. So I just... got away.”

“That’s wild,” I said. He continued, “It’s pretty cool you’re talking about this. Nobody does.”

Our workout sessions were great. He taught me a lot- even did a segment on best practices for puppeteering. I continue to discover ways to get through the shame bind. Am I working out to meet my goals and take care of myself, as an expression of self-love? Or am I operating from a shame-core of secret self-hate? Relationship-focused, 12 Step programs like coda.org ( which is free), have really helped. Also, therapy. Structure is the most crucial part of my mental/emotional/physical health journey. Sticking to a structure has meant having someone to hold me accountable to showing up, so, during my three-month work trip in Atlanta, I got an affordable training package at another fitness center. It was no Fab-U-Gym but sticking to my routine was fabulous. Building my routine is building my self-confidence and turning my shame-core into a love-core.

And if this conversation has you wanting more, here’s John Bradshaw in action…

Family Pride

Is celebrating Pride good for the whole family?

The Whole Family- Lara, David, Ever and Leo.

My rainbow sliders have suctioned to my feet. As I unstick them, they re-stick, making a hilarious “flarp” sound. This delights Leo (5) and Ever (3) who are greeting me at the door. Juno, their tiny golden puppy is also intrigued by my “flarping” feet. I unstick, slip, and slap my feet onto (Mom) Lara Everly and (Dad) David Powell’s fine foyer floor with a “thwap!” Lara, David, their family, and their beautiful Sherman Oaks home all welcome me as a sort of united family smile. 

I met actress/director Lara Everly upon moving to LA in 2006. I quoted from my favorite film, Henson’s the Dark Crystal, - “Wings. I don’t have wings”, and without missing a beat she replied with the next line which is, “Of course not. You’re a boy.” The witty exchange has continued ever after, but I’m pretty sure I became Lara’s official “GAY BFF” at Burning Man in 2007. She was dressed as Alice. I was dressed as the White Rabbit. I disappeared looking for a bathroom at 4 am, and when I found her an hour later, the entire crowd erupted with uproarious applause. She had asked every single person at that delirious dance party if they had seen a white rabbit. That’s loyalty.

Kidder and Lara, Burning Man 2007

Lara and I have created our own original characters, stories, and film projects together. I was first to the gossip the day she met the bewilderingly handsome David. I officiate their wedding three years later. I saw this Sherman Oaks house when they bought it, empty, and watched it fill with kids. I’ve also watched David and Lara find their footing as progressive, open-minded parents, applying unconditional love with their parenting style --- which is extraordinary considering I don’t think they’ve slept in 5 years.

The promotion from “Gay BFF” to “Guncle” happened when Leo started calling me “Uncle Jonathan.” As you may well know, Guncle is a definite upgrade that not all gays make from the also coveted, but much more common “Gay Best Friend” category. And while side-kicking badass power-house women like Lara has been my specialty since adolescence, “Guncle” is new territory for this middle-aged man.

Today, I have a very cool Guncle duty to perform. Lara’s got the DSLR (that’s fancy talk for a camera) all set up, and we’re zooming with a director from the Nickelodeon network. Lara’s shooting this spot for Blues Clues where Blue and Josh open video emails from their internet pen-pal friends about how they celebrate Pride. Lara, a director/producer, has booked numerous spots for Leo, who is cast as one of the “friends”, and I’m delighted to be typecast as, well, my gayest gay self.

At Lara’s request, I brought my proudest Pride finery. I wore my Tipsy Elves windbreaker as well as my rainbow belt, armbands, and farting sandals - all purchased at Target… excuse me… Targé. As I watch Leo chat with the bubbly director on Zoom, I think back to my own childhood. Watching the director, representing two huge brands --- Blues Clues and Nickelodeon --- that are (along with Targé in this paragraph) standing up for the LGBTQIA community, I start to reel.

“Wait a minute. Is this ok?” I question internally. My thoughts go on... 

“I know Pride is good for me as an adult, I mean, it scoops me up in a shame-healing hug of unconditional love every year --- but I’m a gay man… who came out in his 20s! Pride is about being gay…gayness is about sexuality… Kids shouldn’t be dealing with that! Should they? Should kids celebrate Pride ?!?!?” 

The question swirled in my brain, “Is celebrating Pride good for the whole family?” 

The shadow of my former self, my closeted self, rolled over my consciousness like a storm cloud. To be fair, the Kidder that Lara met in 2006 (out, proud, and fabulous) was only three years prior closeted, shamed, and sporting pleated khakis. To add insult to injury, my self-hating homophobia had me petrified of being associated with anything that could harm a child, as homosexuality often was. My fear crept in again, wondering if this “rainbow dance” we were about to do on camera would come across as my forcing some “gay agenda” on the children of the world. 

My inner “Karen,” the congealed conservative consciousness I inherited from a special part of my culture, was ranting in my brain. The phrase, “teaching homosexuality,” came to mind. It was a poisonous slogan that drove the arguments of the anti-gay Proposition 8 in 2008. Was I teaching, or worse- PROMOTING homosexuality? Next, the word, “inappropriate,” sprang into my mind. That terrible toxic term shamed my seven-year-old self into the closet in 1987, when I first realized I was “a terribly inappropriate thing.” My thoughts darted back to negative reactions from an article that ran in The Daily Beast just a few months ago, where I talk to Kevin Fallon about the importance of children having their “realities affirmed”, and negative stigma around childhood education and homosexuality. In that article, I also talk about being a “people pleaser,” which is where fear of reactions from conservatives swerves in. Leo was practicing his rainbow dance with delight, but my “inner Karen” was terrorizing me- blabbing on in my head, only silenced by the director’s joyful voice, booming on Zoom, asking, “Leo what does Pride mean to YOU?”

Leo casually responded with the most astonishing sentence which is now captured for the world to hear - 

“Pride means that everyone is proud to share their love in their hearts.” 

Boom. That hit me. Like the Grinch, I could feel my heart grow several sizes. And the frostbitten homophobia from my past melted in the warmth of Leo’s loving light.

In making this spot, I wasn’t “pushing” or “promoting” being gay. I was promoting BEING. 

Being accepted.

Being loved. 

Being able to LOVE. 

Being able to BE.

This really moved me. And though I DO think it’s healthy for children to understand the spectrum of what it is to be human, including that of gender and sexuality, I would never impose my view of who a child is on them. As poet Kahlil Gibran, (where Leo Kahlil gets his fetching middle name), writes in The Prophet, 

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and the daughters of life’s longing for itself… you can give them your love but not your thoughts. They have their own thoughts…”

The poem ends with the analogy of an archer with a bow- the children in our communities are arrows and we are meant to be “stable bows” helping them launch into the world. I pray that I can be a stable bow…a stable (rain)bow in my case. In celebrating Pride with the children in my community (and there are many!). I hope that they see a man confident in who he is, living authentically. Not that they will follow my ways, but find their own way of authentically living true to their own colors.

After our scene was shot, I noticed three-year-old Ever taking it all in. I noticed him studying me. Suddenly, he pulls his thumb out of his face with a smack, turns his hazel eyes up to me, and asks the stunning question; “Uncle Jonathan, are you a boy or a girl?”

I stopped. Mom stopped. Dad stopped. Everything stopped.

I got the familiar “how’s he gonna handle this one?” look from the corner of Lara’s eyes. 

If I were a gelfling from Henson’s The Dark Crystal, I could have just turned and shown the kid I don’t have wings. There. Done. “See, Ever? No wings. I’m a boy.” If pre-proud, closeted Kidder were asked about his gender, he would have shut it down immediately.  “I’m a boy, Ever… err, I mean, a man- I am...a man!” Now, “Gender is a social construct” would have been an honest response for the now out, proud and woke me.  But that didn’t seem a fit response for this little one with the big questions. “Ever, I’m not a gelfling. I’m a fairy. And I definitely have wings.” ...that certainly wasn’t going to work. I didn’t really know what to say. I wanted to give a clear answer to Ever. I wanted to be real and authentic. I wanted to be that “stable bow” from Gibrabn’s poem. Then, I felt Spirit move me. I turned to that sunshine of a face, and in my best Rosalind Russel “Auntie Mame” flair, I paused, smiled, and opened my arms wide...and the words jumped from inside of me:

“Yes, honey. Yes. Yes I am.” 

I went on to clarify. “I’m a boy, and I also like girl stuff. So I’m kind of both. You know?” 

This answer satisfied Ever alright, and suddenly the two young humans had me by the hands, towed down the hall, sharing their latest favorite toys.

Leo and Ever

The Q in LGBTQIA stands for Questioning. Yes, yes, yes, it stands for Queer, but it stands for Questioning too. And I’m leaning into my Q right now as I embrace the part of me that doesn’t always know. The part of me that sees people plunking down pronouns in Zoom meetings… Pete (he/him) Jessica (she/her) Jan (they/them) -resisting putting my own pronouns down. Why?  Because they don’t match what my inner Karen wants to see. So this year, Pride calls me to grow into further acceptance of my divine feminine. Pride calls me to lean into my Q, and embrace the fact that I’m part of what makes Leo’s journey colorful. Not that I think he is or will be any which way- but for him to know he is loved, valued, and cherished as he is. Wings or not. 

Celebrating Pride is important to do with kids, as it is a celebration of acceptance and unconditional love, “proud to share the love that is in their hearts.” It sends kids a clear message that they will be accepted as the adults they are growing up to be, including their gender identity. As Ever demonstrated, and research proves, gender awareness begins at preschool age. It boggles my mind to read about it, but it makes so much sense. A newer, deeper, fuller awareness around Pride makes me want to slip my farting rainbow sandals back on, and find a Pride Parade I can jump into with the whole family. I’ll bring the wings.

Links and Resources

Nickelodeon Video: https://youtu.be/Yv0jgT98kMI

To learn about the history of the original Pride flag designed by Gilbert Baker and the 2018 chevron edition by Danial Quasar, check out this comprehensive Wikipedia article!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_flag_(LGBT)

Lara Everly: @laraeverly http://www.laraeverly.com/

Jonathan Kidder: @jonathankidder http://jonathankidder.com/

Here’s that poem by Kahlil Gibran, set to music by Sweet Honey in the Rock, (Great to listen to while you’re crafting for Pride) - This is what I often hear in my head when I’m working with kids.

https://youtu.be/kYAkcL36aCE

On Children

Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931 

From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

  And he said:

  Your children are not your children.

  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

  They come through you but not from you,

  And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

  You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

  For they have their own thoughts.

  You may house their bodies but not their souls,

  For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, 

        not even in your  dreams.

  You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

  For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

  You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

  The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might

         that His arrows may go swift and far.

  Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

  For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Ok, one last thing- here’s the scene from the Dark Crystal…for you nerds out there.

A Prideful Craft

Here’s a delightful PRIDE-ful craft project you can do with the kids in your life. 

Ok, so I wrote this in script form in case you are a teacher or want to lead this (mad respect to you, amazing teacher!) - Ok, and if you’re not, just read and you’ll get the gist real quick:

INTO THE RAINBOW:

Today we’re going to go on a journey INTO the rainbow. We’re going to do an art project based on the six colors of the original Pride Flag.

 Each color of the Pride flag, as created by Gilbert Baker in San Francisco in 1978, has a quality.

You’re going to get a color. Write the quality in the middle of the page. Draw things that remind you of that quality. Write the names of people who embody those qualities. As you do that, you can listen to music about rainbows, your favorite gay anthems, or anything sung by the incomparable Judy Garland. Put the colors on the wall, and enjoy them during Pride Season. 

Let’s start with Red. Red stands for Life. 

Write the word “Life” in the middle of the page. Here are some questions you can answer by writing more words or drawing pictures that “give you LIFE”...

• What is a symbol of LIFE to you? Draw it.

• Who in your life is LIVELY? Who is fun, and has a lot of energy? Write their name. Draw their lively face!

• When you have life, you have energy. What’s something you do when you have lots of energy?

Orange stands for Healing. Healing is what happens when things go from being sick to well. When things go from unhealthy to healthy. Even when things go from messy to orderly and neat. When things are out of control, to back in control again. That is healing.

Write the word “Healing” in the middle of the paper. Now fold the paper in half. Smooth it back out. You have two sides. On the left side draw sad things. On the right side draw happy things. 

Suggestions:

LEFT/RIGHT

Sad faces/Happy faces.

Rain clouds/Sunshine.

Words like “Yuck” “Booo” “No Way!” / “Yum” “Yes!” “Hooray!”

Yellow stands for “Sunlight.”

Draw a sun with sun rays.

Draw as many suns as you want.

Draw things that love the sunshine!

Green stands for Nature.

Imagine you’re going on a walk in nature.

What are some things you would find?

Draw those things around your paper.

Suggestions: Leaves, insects, birds, rocks…since you’re so good with your imagination, could you imagine a fairy in nature? Draw it.

Blue stands for Serenity.

Let’s be serene and peaceful. Take a deep breath. In through your nose, and out through your mouth to the count of 1, 2, 3…ahhhh. Ok. now that we just “spent some time in nature” in our minds, let’s think of animals that are calm, peaceful, and serene. Choose one animal to draw and draw it sleeping peacefully or meditating if you’re into that.

Purple stands for Spirit.

Ok. So SPIRIT is an interesting word. What the heck does that mean? 

To me, Spirit is the magic of the universe. It’s the energy you feel when you’re not thinking about anything - when you’re just BEING. It’s the joy of being here, now. Let’s take a deep breath, and then try not to think about anything too much. That’s called meditating by the way. So we’re basically going to meditate for one minute. If you need something to think about so you don’t think about too much other stuff, you can imagine your favorite shape. 

What’s your favorite shape? Or a shape you like - if you don’t have a most favorite - just pick one. 

Now imagine it. Visualize it in your mind. See it. Close your eyes. Just focus on that.  I’m starting the timer. We’re going to meditate and try not to think for one minute. Start.

(Enjoy a peaceful minute)

Ok, keep feeling that energy of spirit as you draw that shape on your paper. You can also draw anything that came to mind when you were trying not to think- Spirit is in everything, so you can draw anything. Draw what comes to you when I talk about SPIRIT.

Cool. So Pride is being proud of who you are- with all the different things you like and don’t like- everything about you. It’s about loving all the colors that make up the rainbow of you. It’s about respecting other people and the things that make up their rainbows. To have pride is to be proud. It’s the opposite of shame. It’s easy to feel shame or ashamed of who we are because we compare ourselves. But we don’t have to. We can love ourselves just as we are, and as we are not. That’s what celebrating Pride is all about. Now let's put up our rainbow colors and share our drawings with Pride!

END OF ACTIVITY

You can stretch this project out by choosing one color a day. 

Wear that color and talk about places you see the color in the world around you. 

Start on:

Sunday with RED for LIFE

Monday with ORANGE for HEALING

Tuesday with YELLOW for SUNLIGHT

Wednesday with GREEN for NATURE

Thursday with BLUE for Serenity

Friday with PURPLE for SPIRIT

Saturday wear them all --- the whole RAINBOW! Happy Pride!

Waffles + Mochi + Me

See that little round guy? (Not the pink one… the other little round guy) -yeah hovering over Mrs. Obama’s shoulder? Well that’s Busy the Bee. And the bee is ME! I was honored to bring this new character to life and now I’m totally counting down the days until #WafflesAndMochi launches on March 16! Tune in on @Netflix and get cooking with us. It’s a beeeeeelightful show and I had a BLAST working on it. Buzz over to my Instagram, @kiddervibes and let me know what you think!

It’s almost #WafflesAndMochi time! Tune in on March 16. Only on @Netflix. Yes, that bee is judging you. But Mrs. O is in your corner. You’ve got this!

I’m very proud to portray a pollinator. Bees pollinate practically 80 percent of our perfectly piquant produce. Here is Mrs. Obama inspecting some of Busy’s finest work.

Yeah, so MARCH 16th it’s going DOWNNNNNNN- tune in to @Netflix to see what all this buzzzz is really about. (And if any bee puns come to mind, send them my way).