Do compliments embarrass you?
The Fab-U-Gays work out at the Fab-U-Gym. A Fab-U-Gay is a gay person who is fit and intelligent and funny and has good credit. I desperately want to be a fabulous gay. My credit is improving, so that’s good. Intelligence? Check - I got big words. Funny? Well, I am a Kidder after all. How about fit? According to my doctor, not so much. She told me I need to get more exercise because my A1c (I’m Type 1 Diabetic) was going way up… using my rapier Kidder wit, I joked that my “quarantine cuisine hadn’t been all that... lean.” She didn’t laugh.
I got a membership at an outdoor gym in my neighborhood CRAWLING with Fab-U-Gays. My membership included sessions with an elite trainer. During our first session, I told him one of my obstacles to working out was my sense of shame. A term that explains it best for me comes from the author of The Shame that Binds You, by therapist John Bradshaw. I told the trainer that I keep coming up against a “shame bind,” as Bradshaw calls it.
He raised his eyebrows. “What’s that exactly?”
“I’m just learning about this stuff, but apparently even highly accomplished people can be operating from what is called a shame-core. We’re validation addicts, trying to prove that we’re good enough. But when people compliment us, we just can’t take it. It shuts us down. So I’m struggling to stay on track with goals - compliments shut me down.”
“Oh wow. I can’t believe we’re talking about this. Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.” My eyebrows raised. He went on. “It actually explains this thing that happened a while back. I was at the market and this guy walked up to me and said, “Wow. You’re so beautiful- such beauty in a man! My my, what beauty you have!” He blushed. I agreed. He continued. “I wanted to respond somehow- to say something- but I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak. So I just... got away.”
“That’s wild,” I said. He continued, “It’s pretty cool you’re talking about this. Nobody does.”
Our workout sessions were great. He taught me a lot- even did a segment on best practices for puppeteering. I continue to discover ways to get through the shame bind. Am I working out to meet my goals and take care of myself, as an expression of self-love? Or am I operating from a shame-core of secret self-hate? Relationship-focused, 12 Step programs like coda.org ( which is free), have really helped. Also, therapy. Structure is the most crucial part of my mental/emotional/physical health journey. Sticking to a structure has meant having someone to hold me accountable to showing up, so, during my three-month work trip in Atlanta, I got an affordable training package at another fitness center. It was no Fab-U-Gym but sticking to my routine was fabulous. Building my routine is building my self-confidence and turning my shame-core into a love-core.
And if this conversation has you wanting more, here’s John Bradshaw in action…