Is celebrating Pride good for the whole family?
The Whole Family- Lara, David, Ever and Leo.
My rainbow sliders have suctioned to my feet. As I unstick them, they re-stick, making a hilarious “flarp” sound. This delights Leo (5) and Ever (3) who are greeting me at the door. Juno, their tiny golden puppy is also intrigued by my “flarping” feet. I unstick, slip, and slap my feet onto (Mom) Lara Everly and (Dad) David Powell’s fine foyer floor with a “thwap!” Lara, David, their family, and their beautiful Sherman Oaks home all welcome me as a sort of united family smile.
I met actress/director Lara Everly upon moving to LA in 2006. I quoted from my favorite film, Henson’s the Dark Crystal, - “Wings. I don’t have wings”, and without missing a beat she replied with the next line which is, “Of course not. You’re a boy.” The witty exchange has continued ever after, but I’m pretty sure I became Lara’s official “GAY BFF” at Burning Man in 2007. She was dressed as Alice. I was dressed as the White Rabbit. I disappeared looking for a bathroom at 4 am, and when I found her an hour later, the entire crowd erupted with uproarious applause. She had asked every single person at that delirious dance party if they had seen a white rabbit. That’s loyalty.
Kidder and Lara, Burning Man 2007
Lara and I have created our own original characters, stories, and film projects together. I was first to the gossip the day she met the bewilderingly handsome David. I officiate their wedding three years later. I saw this Sherman Oaks house when they bought it, empty, and watched it fill with kids. I’ve also watched David and Lara find their footing as progressive, open-minded parents, applying unconditional love with their parenting style --- which is extraordinary considering I don’t think they’ve slept in 5 years.
The promotion from “Gay BFF” to “Guncle” happened when Leo started calling me “Uncle Jonathan.” As you may well know, Guncle is a definite upgrade that not all gays make from the also coveted, but much more common “Gay Best Friend” category. And while side-kicking badass power-house women like Lara has been my specialty since adolescence, “Guncle” is new territory for this middle-aged man.
Today, I have a very cool Guncle duty to perform. Lara’s got the DSLR (that’s fancy talk for a camera) all set up, and we’re zooming with a director from the Nickelodeon network. Lara’s shooting this spot for Blues Clues where Blue and Josh open video emails from their internet pen-pal friends about how they celebrate Pride. Lara, a director/producer, has booked numerous spots for Leo, who is cast as one of the “friends”, and I’m delighted to be typecast as, well, my gayest gay self.
At Lara’s request, I brought my proudest Pride finery. I wore my Tipsy Elves windbreaker as well as my rainbow belt, armbands, and farting sandals - all purchased at Target… excuse me… Targé. As I watch Leo chat with the bubbly director on Zoom, I think back to my own childhood. Watching the director, representing two huge brands --- Blues Clues and Nickelodeon --- that are (along with Targé in this paragraph) standing up for the LGBTQIA community, I start to reel.
“Wait a minute. Is this ok?” I question internally. My thoughts go on...
“I know Pride is good for me as an adult, I mean, it scoops me up in a shame-healing hug of unconditional love every year --- but I’m a gay man… who came out in his 20s! Pride is about being gay…gayness is about sexuality… Kids shouldn’t be dealing with that! Should they? Should kids celebrate Pride ?!?!?”
The question swirled in my brain, “Is celebrating Pride good for the whole family?”
The shadow of my former self, my closeted self, rolled over my consciousness like a storm cloud. To be fair, the Kidder that Lara met in 2006 (out, proud, and fabulous) was only three years prior closeted, shamed, and sporting pleated khakis. To add insult to injury, my self-hating homophobia had me petrified of being associated with anything that could harm a child, as homosexuality often was. My fear crept in again, wondering if this “rainbow dance” we were about to do on camera would come across as my forcing some “gay agenda” on the children of the world.
My inner “Karen,” the congealed conservative consciousness I inherited from a special part of my culture, was ranting in my brain. The phrase, “teaching homosexuality,” came to mind. It was a poisonous slogan that drove the arguments of the anti-gay Proposition 8 in 2008. Was I teaching, or worse- PROMOTING homosexuality? Next, the word, “inappropriate,” sprang into my mind. That terrible toxic term shamed my seven-year-old self into the closet in 1987, when I first realized I was “a terribly inappropriate thing.” My thoughts darted back to negative reactions from an article that ran in The Daily Beast just a few months ago, where I talk to Kevin Fallon about the importance of children having their “realities affirmed”, and negative stigma around childhood education and homosexuality. In that article, I also talk about being a “people pleaser,” which is where fear of reactions from conservatives swerves in. Leo was practicing his rainbow dance with delight, but my “inner Karen” was terrorizing me- blabbing on in my head, only silenced by the director’s joyful voice, booming on Zoom, asking, “Leo what does Pride mean to YOU?”
Leo casually responded with the most astonishing sentence which is now captured for the world to hear -
“Pride means that everyone is proud to share their love in their hearts.”
Boom. That hit me. Like the Grinch, I could feel my heart grow several sizes. And the frostbitten homophobia from my past melted in the warmth of Leo’s loving light.
In making this spot, I wasn’t “pushing” or “promoting” being gay. I was promoting BEING.
Being accepted.
Being loved.
Being able to LOVE.
Being able to BE.
This really moved me. And though I DO think it’s healthy for children to understand the spectrum of what it is to be human, including that of gender and sexuality, I would never impose my view of who a child is on them. As poet Kahlil Gibran, (where Leo Kahlil gets his fetching middle name), writes in The Prophet,
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and the daughters of life’s longing for itself… you can give them your love but not your thoughts. They have their own thoughts…”
The poem ends with the analogy of an archer with a bow- the children in our communities are arrows and we are meant to be “stable bows” helping them launch into the world. I pray that I can be a stable bow…a stable (rain)bow in my case. In celebrating Pride with the children in my community (and there are many!). I hope that they see a man confident in who he is, living authentically. Not that they will follow my ways, but find their own way of authentically living true to their own colors.
After our scene was shot, I noticed three-year-old Ever taking it all in. I noticed him studying me. Suddenly, he pulls his thumb out of his face with a smack, turns his hazel eyes up to me, and asks the stunning question; “Uncle Jonathan, are you a boy or a girl?”
I stopped. Mom stopped. Dad stopped. Everything stopped.
I got the familiar “how’s he gonna handle this one?” look from the corner of Lara’s eyes.
If I were a gelfling from Henson’s The Dark Crystal, I could have just turned and shown the kid I don’t have wings. There. Done. “See, Ever? No wings. I’m a boy.” If pre-proud, closeted Kidder were asked about his gender, he would have shut it down immediately. “I’m a boy, Ever… err, I mean, a man- I am...a man!” Now, “Gender is a social construct” would have been an honest response for the now out, proud and woke me. But that didn’t seem a fit response for this little one with the big questions. “Ever, I’m not a gelfling. I’m a fairy. And I definitely have wings.” ...that certainly wasn’t going to work. I didn’t really know what to say. I wanted to give a clear answer to Ever. I wanted to be real and authentic. I wanted to be that “stable bow” from Gibrabn’s poem. Then, I felt Spirit move me. I turned to that sunshine of a face, and in my best Rosalind Russel “Auntie Mame” flair, I paused, smiled, and opened my arms wide...and the words jumped from inside of me:
“Yes, honey. Yes. Yes I am.”
I went on to clarify. “I’m a boy, and I also like girl stuff. So I’m kind of both. You know?”
This answer satisfied Ever alright, and suddenly the two young humans had me by the hands, towed down the hall, sharing their latest favorite toys.
Leo and Ever
The Q in LGBTQIA stands for Questioning. Yes, yes, yes, it stands for Queer, but it stands for Questioning too. And I’m leaning into my Q right now as I embrace the part of me that doesn’t always know. The part of me that sees people plunking down pronouns in Zoom meetings… Pete (he/him) Jessica (she/her) Jan (they/them) -resisting putting my own pronouns down. Why? Because they don’t match what my inner Karen wants to see. So this year, Pride calls me to grow into further acceptance of my divine feminine. Pride calls me to lean into my Q, and embrace the fact that I’m part of what makes Leo’s journey colorful. Not that I think he is or will be any which way- but for him to know he is loved, valued, and cherished as he is. Wings or not.
Celebrating Pride is important to do with kids, as it is a celebration of acceptance and unconditional love, “proud to share the love that is in their hearts.” It sends kids a clear message that they will be accepted as the adults they are growing up to be, including their gender identity. As Ever demonstrated, and research proves, gender awareness begins at preschool age. It boggles my mind to read about it, but it makes so much sense. A newer, deeper, fuller awareness around Pride makes me want to slip my farting rainbow sandals back on, and find a Pride Parade I can jump into with the whole family. I’ll bring the wings.
Links and Resources
Nickelodeon Video: https://youtu.be/Yv0jgT98kMI
To learn about the history of the original Pride flag designed by Gilbert Baker and the 2018 chevron edition by Danial Quasar, check out this comprehensive Wikipedia article!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainbow_flag_(LGBT)
Lara Everly: @laraeverly http://www.laraeverly.com/
Jonathan Kidder: @jonathankidder http://jonathankidder.com/
Here’s that poem by Kahlil Gibran, set to music by Sweet Honey in the Rock, (Great to listen to while you’re crafting for Pride) - This is what I often hear in my head when I’m working with kids.
On Children
Kahlil Gibran - 1883-1931
From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Ok, one last thing- here’s the scene from the Dark Crystal…for you nerds out there.